Vampires of Bergen County, NJ

Last night I dreamt that I was going through a flea market/garage sale at a huge mansion. At first I was finding all kinds of cute baby things. And then I realized I didn't really need those anymore. Then I was finding all kinds of toys that I had when I was a pre-teen. Barbie type stuff. But I realized that my daughter wasn't ready for that and we move around so much, I can't buy it and hold it for several years.

Then I found some pill cases. All kinds of pill cases. Days of the week. Hours of the day. Weeks of the month. You get it. I started to panic. So I went into another room. This room was filled with DVDs. I started pawing through them and realized they were all horror movies. Now, I hate horror movies. I am a big ole' wimp when it comes to gore and blood and heads being sawed off, etc. And then my dream turned into one.

Suddenly I am being chased from room to room by these vampires screeching at me and I couldn't figure out what they were saying. In every room someone was being chewed up, but no one had faces. They looked like hair on bowling balls. And suddenly I understood what they were screaming. "Call your mother!" What? "Call your mother! They won't get you if you talked to your mother today!"
Jewish Mother Vampires? Now I've heard of everything.

As humorous as it sounds now, twelve hours later, when I woke up I was frozen with fear. You know the feeling. Logically, with adult reasoning, you know there is no vampire standing at the foot of your bed, or in the doorway to your bathroom (and being the Jewish Mother type, wondering when the last time you cleaned said bathroom) but it takes you minutes to calm down enough to turn around. Right? And then it takes a few more minutes to get your heart calm enough to go back to sleep. Frozen with fear, but heart pounding.

And that my friends, is how I am feeling all of the time with the reduction in my meds. I am frozen with fear. I can't get beyond the fourth reduction. I am so scared of the pain that I may feel if I take another pill out of the equation, I just can't do it! I know I have to.

But I can't turn around and face my demons. I just keep running and denying it all. And no, I haven't talked to my mother today. I have, however, talked to my Dad and my sister. And that counts, right?

Dose Three/Four

Ok, fair readers, I have been slacking in the writing department. However, in the mothering department I am about to go insane, so take pity on me.

Tonight I am taking the last Neuronten out of the meds equation. Yes, it is a day late but I was too busy breaking up a fight last night to stop and think about what I was doing. And no, you don't want to know what the fight was about. Let's just say, wet toilet paper and coffee filters were involved, never a good thing, especially with a three and four year old. Sigh.

Anyway, the last deduction in dosaging (is that a word?) seemed to go over well. I did have some pain on the other side (lest I remind you, not a good sign) but it seemed to go away. So, I guess we will continue on like a good soldier.

Speaking of which. My hubby should be heading home fairly soon. Can you believe it has been five months? It seems like minutes (she said sarcastically). Do you ever feel like you are connected to someone because someone once related them to you? For instance, when I was young I had one of those street artists do a caricature of myself. He said, "You have Bette Davis eyes" and from then on I always thought she and I were connected that way (and yes, you will be singing "She's got Bette Davis eyes" for the rest of the day.) Of course my parents said "no you don't" when I told them of this interchange, but that didn't stop me from believing him.

And speaking of my parents- when I was little, they told me I was like a little Whoopi Goldberg when I told them a joke. So I, of course, thought Whoopi and I had that connection as well. Yes, I am a mix of Bette Davis and Whoopi Goldberg. What a picture that makes.

For the last four years we have been living in the same town, near the same people and saying goodbye to the same soldiers. I have been told I was a brave soldier's wife. No matter how much in denial I am of living the military life (moving around, husband at war, etc) I feel completely connected to the wives and children of soldiers. I do not feel like I am as strong as they are and I certainly don't feel like my husband is at war (that's what happens when you don't watch the news!) But I do feel a connection.

So today I am down to eight and a half pills, I have only a short bit of time left in this deployment and I am somewhere between Bette Davis, Whoopi Goldberg and army wives. And I am still picking gigantic spit balls made of toilet paper and coffee filters off of my couch. I told you don't want to know...