And just like that, he's gone. The gray bearded man driving a green minivan just whisked my husband away as if he was just running an errand. Off to the airport and out of our lives for a year. The kids did a lot better than I thought they would. The oldest just nodded solemnly at the whispered last words his Daddy spoke as he held him close. The youngest clutched his Daddy Doll and said "I miss you" over and over. The middle, in her usual way, tried to make light of it all, giving her Daddy a quick hug and a giggle.
Me? I was running around trying to find a fat Sharpie marker for his duffel bag, water bottle for his trip, and cash for the cab. It is amazing how time just sped up in these, our last few hours together. One minute we were celebrating the last day of school - last Friday - the next, it's 0940 and the gray bearded cab driver is standing at my door waiting to take my husband away.
I know I should have said something profound to my husband. Something Military like. "Come back with your shield, or on it" like those Spartan women would cry out to their men before they left for battle. But I'm not that tough a woman. Nor could I cry out "Come back with your duffel bag, or on it" since, really, that is all he has right now. I know when he gets to where he is going, they will provide him with "shields." I've seen the gear from the last four deployments. Bullet proof vests, helmets, guns, etc. But as he walked away from me and our life all he had was a duffel bag. Not so dramatic as the Spartan warriors. Everything now is under the radar. Shielding the families from things we don't really want to know about.
So many thoughts ran through my head as he pulled away, down the street and around the corner. I should have thanked him again for working so hard on the pergola. He wanted to keep his family in the shade, out of the sun -- opposite of where he will be for the next year. I wanted to tell him that I loved him one more time -- just in case. I wanted to make sure he was wearing his scapula and dog tags with the St. Michael Medallion that will lay on his chest, protecting his heart, his soul. Did he remember the Joan of Arc statue that my youngest picked out for him? Did he remember the Patrick figurine (you know, from Spongebob Squarepants) that the kids wanted him to bring? Did he remember to kiss us enough...did we tell him enough that we love him?
My last words to him: "Come home to us." I've said it numerous times to him. Too many to count in this last decade of Military life. I push out the "what ifs" and the "I don't think I can do this" thoughts that currently are racing through my unguarded head and heart.
Why are shields more important than helmets? Why protect the heart instead of the head? To ask a Spartan warrior from thousands of years ago, you'd know that the helmet protects the self, while the shield protects the common good of all.
My husband, my shield...come back to us. And don't forget to bring Patrick.
6 comments:
love you girl. letter number one for the kiddos written today. xo
Thank you for sharing your thoughts during a most difficult time. We all too often take for granted the sacrifices our military and their families make for 'the common good'. We join in your prayer for safe return, and just want to say "Thank you!" to your husband, you and your family.
Totally random stranger here, found your post through beauty that moves...not entirely sure how I ended up there this morning, for that matter, but at any rate I found this post and my own experience of putting my husband onto a plane bound for a war zone came rushing back. It's been 4 years and we've been fortunate that he hasn't had to return, but I still started tearing up as I read your post.
What you are doing is extraordinary. I know it may not feel that way because it's what milspouses do and you've done it do many times before, but it truly is extraordinary and it takes such courage. Be kind to yourself in these first days of transition.
Your family is in my thoughts.
I tried to call you tonight, just wanted to tell you I'm here if you need to talk. Call any time, ANY TIME at all, and I mean that. I don't care if it's the middle of the night, if you need to talk, call me. I love you.
Phenomenal writer. I gave a lump in my throat. Thank you for moving me with your words; God Bless you for your FAMILY'S service to our nation.
Thank you for your beautiful words...You remind us all of the huge sacrifices made every minute of every day by so many and the ripple effect it has on service families and society. I will keep you all, as well as everyone involved in protecting this beautiful country, in my thoughts and prayers as we go about our day wrapped in the arms of all our heros....
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