0545

Apparently I am not meant to have a better day today. I should have known it would quickly spiral down when my four year old wakes me up at 0545 (that is 5:45AM to all of you sane civilian people) to tell me not to open the front door until I turn off the alarm, ok? Ok, so I have set the alarm off a time or two, and yes, by doing this I have ruined my children's ears, but who hasn't.

So somehow I manage to get all three up and ready and out the door to go to CDC (no, that isn't Center for Disease Control, it is Child Development Center -- remember, we are dealing with people who like lots of acronyms, doesn't matter if they have already been used) for which there is an expectant time of 0900 that my children need to be there. About half way there, I realize that I have forgotten all of their bags which contain their EpiPens and diapers and everything else required.

Needless to say, I was late in dropping them off and we got the baby room ticked off at us because they were waiting for my one year old so they could take the babies to see a HumV. That's right. A HumV. For the babies to gaze upon. Moving on.

After I deal with CDC I drive over to the Sports Center where I signed my son up for TBall. And once again have to confront The Desk. You remember The Desk. Apparently, I wasn't supposed to be charged what I was charged, so I had called them previous to going over. "No problem, just come on in, we'll fix it!" No Problem is what The Phone said. But The Desk says, "You need a manager to refund this." I say, "Please get a manager then." The Desk says, "There is no manager here." I say, "When will manager be here?" "Don't know," says The Desk. I say, "But the Phone told me..." blah blah blah. We've all been there. I still don't have my money back and somehow I have to guess when the manager will appear at The Desk. (The Phone and The Desk never have the same answers I have come to realize.)

After a couple of hours of doing dishes and folding laundry (Wrinkled, of course. That is what you get when it sits in the dryer for a few days.) I pick up my kids, "We didn't put him down for a nap, figured you didn't want us to," (why wouldn't I want you to? now I have to deal with cranky baby for the next hour -- thanks!) and went to ....wait for it....Walmart.

Yes, three kids, including a baby, who has not slept in several hours, off to Walmart. The mothers out there are cringing and those who don't have kids are rolling their eyes (ugh...it's that family.) So let me just run through a few of the highlights:

* Can't find what I am looking for, and of course there is no one to help. Every isle is crammed with older people who apparently can't find what they are looking for either.

* I lose my car keys somewhere between whispering threats to my four year old in the electronic section and stuffing snacks into my toddlers mouth in the shoe section. I did not realize I had lost them until I was half way into the food section. Four year old is crying because he thinks we are stuck in Walmart and therefor he will not see his Bear again.

* Two of the three kids melt down in the cereal isle (who is the bastard who designed that isle? I hope he/she is plagued with preschoolers)

* One child wanders off with a different family (Freudian?)

*As we are checking out, the man in front of us wants to purchase some sliced meat. There is no price. Of course this delays the checkout by what seems like hours. Then the same man forgets his wallet. More delay. Finally, our turn. "Mommy I have to pee pee!" oh god, no... She couldn't wait. We are in the middle of our checkout. I don't know what to do. Three kids, half way through check out. A line of people without teeth (not kidding) behind us.

I must have looked frantic because a lady comes up to us and says, "Go ahead and take her, I will watch the other two." I look at the woman with a mixture of gratitude and suspicion. I mean, who is that nice except for psycho killers? She had a Walmart badge on her -- a manager badge! I say, "Thank you! Boys, stay with this (stranger) lady!" and run my daughter to the bathroom:

"Hurry up, ok sweety? Mommy left the boys with a stranger and all of our food!" oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. Do psycho killer kidnappers dress like Walmart managers? oh my god, oh my god, My mother is going to kill me when she hears about this! " Are you done sweety? Good, no time for washing...we will Purell later!"

Needless to say, the woman was a manager, we finish up at Walmart and drove home with the keys I finally found (in my pocket). We pull into my garage and the kids run up to the door to go into the house and start yelling "Ewwwww! Mommy quick!" Now why would I want to see whatever it is they are ewwwing about? But I go. I see the entire door is completely covered in ants. After an hour of getting children in the house and killing off the ants I get back into my car to move it again and what song is playing on the CD? "The ants go marching one by one."

I swear I can hear Him laughing when I have days like this.