Smiles

My youngest son's first birthday is in three days. It seems impossible that a year has passed since he came into this world and then two weeks later tried to leave it again by contracting RSV. I never felt such relief as when they admitted him into the hospital. I had known for a couple of days that something wasn't quite right with him and finally someone agreed and took control of the situation.

Isn't it always a relief when someone else takes control? I think that is one of the hardest parts of a deployment. Having to deal with every situation. Every creak, every bug, every scraped knee and every call from the bank, the landlord, the utility companies. You know going into the life of the army wife that as soon as he steps out of the door, the skies will open up and poor down rain, sleet, hail and that is when the tires on your truck will deflate. With all three children in it.

It is also when every stair, floor, wall and window will start to creek and moan -- never during the daylight hours. Only right before you go to that lonely sleep. And every snake (yes it has happened to me), mouse, spider and other unidentifiable creepy crawlies come out as if he were the only reason they were keeping away. I literally had to call my friend and neighbor to come over and kill one of these nasty suckers. I just couldn't be that brave. She was. And her husband has been gone for three weeks.

I know for a fact that I lose control of my household on weekly occasions to the children. I can see it happening before my eyes. The kids just know when Mommy doesn't have it in her to take hold of the situation. And boy, do they run with it. By the time I snap out of the "Mommy's checked out for a while" fog, the house is covered in parts of sippy cups, toilet paper shreds, fruit chew wrappers, all the clothing in their closets that they can reach -- and yet they are running around naked -- and towels from their baths the night before. Even the baby gets into the demolition by emptying every cabinet in the kitchen to his great delight.

Usually the reason I lose control of the kids, the house, etc. is when the pain has gained control over me. And unfortunately that is what has been happening this last week. It is hard to make dinner with one hand holding an ice pack to my face. It is impossible to change diapers that way. Calming a melting down four year old while you are on the brink of melting down yourself is a challenge and having to turn down your three year old's request to play dollhouse with her because you literally can't form sentences is heartbreaking. Getting the children re-dressed while they squirm under you -- well you can only imagine.

I so look forward to when my husband comes home and can take over some of the issues. When my pain can be controlled by me being able to go be alone for a while. And for when my youngest's second birthday comes around and we are all there: smiling, clothed and ice packless.