I've been asked by several different people if the pain has come back. And I have been quick to either dart around the answer or to whisper it, "No, BUT it's only been two weeks...so...." I don't mean to sound like Negative Nelly (she is so annoying) but I have been in "remission" for a month at a time and the pain has reared it's ugly head, so I am so scared to get excited. It's only been two weeks. But it has been a wonderful two weeks. (Though every time there is a twitch, I brace myself for the pain)
The other subject I have been neglect in catching everyone up on is hearing from my husband. Yes, he did contact us! He is safe (relatively) and actually got a chance to send some letters to me and the kids. It took him three months, but he did it. I thought it would make the kids excited and thrilled but the three year old completely melted down last night screaming for her Daddy. I guess not hearing from him cushions her from the ache of missing him. I don't know. She fell asleep with tears on her cheeks and the word Daddy repeated over and over in a moan. It breaks my heart and I know it kills my husband to hear about her.
This week I will be meeting with the Neurosurgeon. Since I am in remission (in a whisper) a part of me feels like skipping the meeting (the positive happy, full of faith, little sprite part.) But the realistic part knows I have to set myself up for if (when) the pain does come back. I guess the questions I have for him are the normal questions you ask someone who is about to drill into your skull.
It has not hit me that I may be having this brain surgery. Me! Having brain surgery! So this week I will ask the doc my questions, wrap my three year old in bubble wrap so she doesn't hurt anymore (sigh) and check my mailbox for more mail (that probably won't come.) I keep telling myself that there is only a few more months of being a single parent. But I am not sure that is the hardest part at this point. At this point, it is the apprehension of hearing from my husband, (last night I got a call from a name and number I did not recognize and my heart just skipped a beat and I started shaking...that doesn't happen in the civilian world does it?) and waiting for the pain to return....those are the hardest things.
How does one live while constantly waiting?
A New Home
4 years ago
2 comments:
I'm so glad you finally heard from him. Yes, the anxiety when the phone rings happens in the civilian world too. Since I live so far from everyone I too get pangs of fear when my phone rings at an odd time, or when the number isn't one I recognize. When my father calls me he begins each conversation, after my nervous and cautious "hellos?", with "everything is fine".
It's incredibly hard to be so far away from those you love.
Phew!! I have been thinking about you guys and Casey so much. I am SO happy to hear that you heard from him. I hope the pain is more than just in (whispering) remission (I hope it's gone). Keep it up girl!
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