52 Weeks

As my kids lay around in a sugar hangover and I am still batting away their requests for more chocolate, more jelly beans, more more more (thank you Easter bunny!) I start thinking about how I need to get back into shape. Pre-children shape would be ideal, but even back to after-the-first-child kind of shape. (why does everything just get lower and wider after a child or two?) Given the fact that I have had three children in five years any kind of shape besides the one I am in now would be great.

I am giving myself until my hubby gets home. So I went and bought some DVDs. I do belong to a gym that I did go to on a regular basis until "the pain" started. Not only did that prevent me from going, but my youngest kept getting these awful, nasty colds and I swear it was from there. Good excuses, but still not in shape.

The DVDs were kickboxing aerobic exercises. Three different levels, three different instructors. The first one was a nice girl/woman who was very compassionate towards women who have babies at home. I mean honestly, unless you can grab forty-five minutes while the baby is sleeping to do this routine, you have a child under your feet while you are trying to do the jumps, jabs and squats. That is what someone should make: an exercise that incorporates the Mommy jumping around the children who are climbing up her legs and crawling around her feet. Now one, two, three squat, pick up the baby, lift him in the air and down, two three four.

Speaking of which, during the entire routine I am breathing (like she requested in a nice but stern manner: I better hear you counting, that is how you know your breathing! Do people not know? Are there a group of people out there who don't know if they are breathing unless they are counting? And... how is she going to hear me? Will she take it out on the girls behind her who are dutifully keeping count while she is yelling at me?) and I am keeping count, but it kinda sounds like labor breathing. You know: whooone whatwo whathree, and I look over at my 11 month old and realize, that is how he is going to learn how to speak and count! He will have a speech impediment because I am exercising. Another good excuse, no?

So after looking at my 11 month old and deciding we can just send him to a speech therapist if need be, I focus on what the Breathing Marshall (cute girl/woman on TV screen) is saying as she is doing more toe touches, now we all know how hard it is to get your body back after a baby, right girls? The women behind her nod and smile and they continue counting, Darla had her baby 13 weeks ago! And she nods towards a woman who is quite normal looking. Sandy has had two children! Sandy was definitely buff, but I decided her children were probably teenagers so she has had plenty of time to work out. I was beginning to feel quite OK with myself. Hey, I just had a baby too! It is OK for me to be like this. I am starting a workout routine, so I am OK here. Then: And I just had a baby 10 weeks ago! From the Nazi bleach blond Counting Marshall (the evil girl/woman on screen.)

I stared at the TV as I am punching the imaginary hanging bag. 10 weeks ago? She was perfect. Oh, I hated her. I had my kid (doing math in my head) almost 52 weeks ago. I switch to front kicks, and breathe with a ferocity that makes my almost 52 week old son look up at me and smile. Just like the happy women on the screen.

I am counting and breathing and kicking and scowling.

And I have two more DVDs to go.