Calamity Jane

As I sit here on a balmy seemingly Spring night (though it is only March), I am almost relaxed. I say almost because there is a Tornado Watch out for my area of the world. Another tornado. Which my kids know means we have to go under the house. Not the basement, but literally under the house. We do not have a basement. You would think we would have a basement since we seem to get more tornadoes every year than sunny days, but we do not.

So I am not relaxed because if the weather alarm starts shrilling this weird ring that sounds like it is underwater, I have to somehow run upstairs (another annoying trait about this house that we rent- yes we are old and we rent- it's a military thing - the master is on the first floor)and grab three (three!) sleeping children, the safe with all of our documents, helmets and my diaper bag and - get this- go outside, down my deck stairs to a crawl space door, open the door and bending over crawl into the crawl space. They call it a crawl space for a reason. You can't stand up. Now picture all of this with lightning, hail and thunder with three screaming, crying kids who won't even leave the house unless they have "Bear" and "Ellie" (their loveys).

Once we are in the crawl space (under my kitchen), we sit in a tent that my husband set up before he left. We have wind up flashlights ,water, you name it. It is a regular party! And we wait. And wait. And then the questions start.

"Mommy, when is the tornado going to come?"
"Mommy, I have to go pee pee can I go in my diaper?"
"Mommy, is our house going to blow away?"
"Mommy, I am done now, can we go upstairs?"
"Mommy, why did God make tornadoes?"

Which is a very good question. I will add that one to my list of questions for Him.

What they don't have is a way to let everyone know they can come out of their hiding places. They have a blaring horn to warn you to take cover, but nothing to say, hey...come on out, it's safe. I usually call my family and ask them to tune in to the weather channel to see if we are safe or not. At least my cell phone works under the house. (There's a concept for a commercial: strung out mom with bed head sitting in her tornado shelter with three crying kids and her house blowing away but her cell phone has all the bars.)

Like everything else in my life right now, I have to plan what we are going to do way before we do it. For instance, by the back door as I write this, lie two tiny Crocs (the shoes my husband hates), a bag of helmets, the safe and my diaper bag. If I could lay the children there I would.

I think planning ahead is a survival tool for me right now. Even at night, right before I fall asleep, I plan my every move if someone were to break in: wake up,grab phone, dial 911, drop phone, get gun, sit at door like those chicks in those CSI shows, with the gun held near my shoulder, and blow the guy away once he steps in my view. That is my plan. What would actually happen: wake up, shake like crazy, search for phone, trip over laundry pile, try to open gun safe but hands are shaking too much, get it open eventually, creep into hallway, see the guy, pee in my pants and start shooting like a crazy person who just got out from under the house with three kids, a bear and a stuffed elephant.

I guess there is my back up plan. I can go back to relaxing.